1. Cell phones ruin pool parties. Remember the good old days when you could push people into the water at pool parties? Not anymore! Yeah, pushing people who already have their bathing suits on is fine and all, but the real joy is getting three of your friends to hoist up an unsuspecting victim and throw them fully clothed into the water. However these days, everyone has a cell phone in their pocket. So if you try and throw them into the pool, they become a thrashing mess screaming “My cell phone! My cell phone!” Not fun.
2. People aren’t as awesome as you. Yes, yes, I know. You’re awesome. You’re not the problem. It’s the other guy. But to everyone else, you’re the other guy. The guy who has to let his friends know which movie theater he’s in. Or the woman who calls her credit card company on the quiet train.
3. You are always reachable. We all know that the 9 to 5 is long gone. It’s more like 8 to 5, or 9 to 6. But now with cell phones it almost like you’re on duty 24 hours a day! We even put our cell phone numbers on our business cards! Our personal cell phone on our business cards! If you can’t reach me on my work number, I’m either not at work or I’m busy. Don’t call me on my cell phone. I hate to break it to you, but just because I gave you my business card doesn’t mean you’re my number one priority.
4. Text messaging makes you a bad speller. c hw annying dis is? y do ppl talk like dis? What is it about cell phones that makes us talk like why were raised in the wild? “me tarzan. me c jane l8r?” My sister Amanda is a middle school social studies teacher and she says that her students will sometimes forget what they’re doing and use text language in their essays!
5. Cell phones make you an asshole. You may appear to be a reasonable person. But if you have the ability to check your email whenever you want. You will do it. A lot. No matter where you are. No matter how many friends you’re surrounded by. The temptation is just too irresistible. Who cares if your friend is talking to you? The idea of spam building up in your inbox makes you wet yourself.
6. Cell phones make you a paranoid wreck. Yeah, you’ve read the reports that cell phones don’t really give you cancer, so you feel safe keeping it in your pocket. But you’ve also seen the reports saying that drinking coffee is good for you, wait no, its bad for you, oh wait, sorry, its good for you again. These people don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. And every time you get a text message, your leg starts to tingle.